07/18/13 - posted by jb
60 Nobel laureates in Medicine have been Jewish which may account for three items in our medicine cabinets that are closely-guarded secrets and are now, about to be outed: Bincas, chicken soup and the enema bag.

These three panaceas alone have cured the ills of Jews since Moses (yes, the Egyptians were clysmophiliacs and evidence suggests that the parting of the Red Sea may have been due an 11th plague of severe constipation resulting in a massive redistribution of their water system)

Bincas are a common European cure where warmed cups are placed on one's back and the resultant vacuum as they cool, due to Charles' law, draws out the evil spirits and render's one well again. A single larger cup is often placed on a small child's chest for congestion. The efficacy of Bincas has long been established by the very common Yiddish saying of "it is like putting bincas on a dead person." If bincas had no value it would be a "double-negative." My Bubby often used this expression "toyten bincas" as meaning a lost cause. If we Jews ever prayed to St. Jude, "toyten bincas" would be in our appeal. She used small juice and shot glasses; however, there are sets of more elegant and elaborate flare, usually in sets of 24, which we saw at the Holocaust Museum in NYC where the irony is painful.

The saying goes "when a Jew eats a chicken, one of them is sick" but just be sure you are Jewish if you use this line. As for chicken soup, it is better than penicillin (another Jewish concoction)for just about any ailment and used by everyone on the planet who eats fowl. But the real secret is the matzo ball that comes along for the ride. Actually, the fresh parsley and carrots have vitamins and minerals to boost your immune system and the warm vapor alone from the soup will lower viral counts in nasal passages. The electrolytes from the salt and celery are also very beneficial and help keep one hydrated. So whats not to like but I have sad news for Frankie D...Campbell's canned chicken noodle soup is a placebo...it needs to be fresh or you can cheat and keep a box of Manishevitz or Streits' on hand and just add pure water, matzoball mix included.

"You're headed for the Big E" for many Jewish kids did not mean a trip to the Emporium. The threat of an enema was often used to scare anyone who might be malingering or not tending to their studies in a Jewish household. I can still see the red rubber bag and coil that sat like a python, ready to strike, in the bottom of a cabinet in our bathroom. I used to play with it and chase my sisters around the house, squirting water at them. Yes, my childhood illness was one of the mind. But I did grasp Pascal's principle at a very young age and was also a kitchen chemist, mixing anything I could find under the sink to see what would happen. What happened was I usually got in trouble.

And what also happened is I wound up going to pharmacy school to sell enema bags and cathartics to folks of all faiths. Guess the secret must have leaked out when Moses dropped the tablets.

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